Britain has been forced to issue an apology today for drunkenly trying to get into France by mistake after a heavy night out celebrating on New Year’s Eve.
The country had been out since early afternoon drinking in local pubs with friends before moving on to a club just before midnight. After leaving the club in a state of severe inebriation, Britain is understood to have gone back to Luxembourg’s flat for Jägerbombs before heading home in a taxi and then staggering up to the wrong front door.
‘I’d had a quiet night in with Switzerland, drinking some wine and eating some cheese, but was woken in the middle of the night by somebody banging on the door, belching and swearing on my doorstep,’ confirmed France. ‘I looked out of my bedroom window and could see Britain fumbling with his keys and trying to open my front door, so I went downstairs to tell him he had the wrong house.’
Upon opening the front door, France found Britain standing with his back to him, holding a kebab in one hand and pissing into the English channel.
‘He was clearly in a bit of a mess, so I just tried to explain to him that he’d come to the wrong house, but I don’t think he had any idea where he was,’ continued the Gallic nation. ‘I noticed lights coming on up and down the whole continent, so it obviously wasn’t just me he’d woken up. Britain eventually seemed to get the message and insisted I shake his hand and give him a hug, told me I was his best mate and then staggered off in the direction of Italy.’
Britain is said to have no recollection of the events after waking up on the sofa with no idea how he got home, but has apologised unreservedly for any offence caused. Several European neighbours have said the apology does not go far enough and have called for an end to Britain’s binge drinking culture that has made these sort of occurrences more common than anybody would like.
Germany has refused to be drawn into the row, however. It is still struggling to live down a drunken incident in the 1930s when it staggered into Poland and insisted it owned the place.